I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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