Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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