Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
