he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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