I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
