He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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