i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
