The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
