Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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