Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
