You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
