You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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