Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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