i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
