mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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