Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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