I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
