Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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