he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
