she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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