I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
this hospital has no fireball
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
