3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
