are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
