Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
