i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
