Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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