Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i drank out of a bidet.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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