fuck your aforementioned shoe
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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