8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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