turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
