she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
