I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
