Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
