I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
