someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Sext me about skeletons
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
