Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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