I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Still dying that you shit outside
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
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We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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