Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
