I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
