I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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