how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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