i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
