tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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