I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
