I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dating After Heartbreak
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras