the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out