I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
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he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder