pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.