We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
accomplished twins. life is a go
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA