I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home