omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
