you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
