Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
