If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
