bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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