My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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