apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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