Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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