No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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