no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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