Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
