there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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