i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
